So we heard reports this week of people who were actually panicking that the proximity of Mars to Earth might cause all sorts of global disasters, such as flooding, earthquakes or a surprise visit from the in-laws. As much as we'd like to see certain people get subducted under the Earth's crust in a freak megathrust quake and then spewed violently out of a volcano millions of years later, we weren't really worried that Mars might cause this to happen. After all, it's a nice, safe 56 million kilometers away, and it's tough to bring doom to another civilization from that sort of distance (trust us on that one, we've tried). The real global disaster is that it's hard to get far enough away from the light pollution reflecting off all the tinfoil hats to get a nice view of our friendly red neighbour. On a positive note however, we managed to convince the editors to direct some funding away from our research on the Subduct-o-Tron 4000 People-to-Magma (PTM) Delivery System to our badly under-funded Soylent Idiot brand Gin (made with real idiots). Once the next political rally rolls through town, you should watch for it in stores.

Also watch for the contest we mentioned last week. It will be coming up sometime this month, so tell your friends and be sure to enter when it arrives.