The fact of the matter is, newspaper comics suck, and not just a little bit. We were checking our supercomputer data bank on Things That Suck, and newspaper comic strips are advancing up the ranks so fast that they pushed our cat off the windowsill and he landed on a cactus, which he is not happy about, let me tell you. Although we have never been to a newspaper comic page editors office, we can imagine what the daily routine is:

Layout guy: "Here's tomorrow's comic page."
Comic Editor: "Does it suck?"
Layout guy: "Yes sir."
Comic Editor: "Excellent. My work here is finished."

We have only two solutions. A) a costly R&D program to develop super-intelligent cats whose only purpose is to entertain you by pushing newspaper comic page editors off of windowsills. B) The internet. Since our cat is already raising the funds for solution A, we figured we'd stick to solution B and email our local newspaper subtle hints, like essays entitled "Page H7: The Page that Time Forgot" or digests of all the punchlines from that day's strips, or maybe just simply "Hey! Your comics suck!".

Oh - here's a drink.