This week we thought we'd take an in-depth look at how the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) works. This seemed like a good idea to us, because we've been drinking. Did you know that you can patent anything you want? That's right! In fact, we've got a patent on saying "Did you know that you can patent anything you want", so you owe us some money after reading that. Twice. Did you see how easy that was? You can do it too. Simply make something stupid up, then add some big words. It might go something like this:

You : I've got an [invention or discovery] here that uses big words.
USPTO: Here's a patent.

Sometimes it's not that simple. The USPTO has strict quality control that makes sure only new and inventive ideas receive legal recognition. You might be subject to an expert review process like this:

You : I've got an [invention or discovery] here that uses big words.
USPTO: What kind of words?
You : "Cheese".
USPTO: Here's a patent.

It's all true, we swear. What else could explain United States Patent number 5443036, issued August 22, 1995, "Method of exercising a cat"? If you've ever teased your cat with a laser pointer, you are violating the rights and intellectual property of Kevin T. Amiss and Martin H. Abbott of Virginia. After all, they invented it.

So get out there and patent some stupid crap! If you follow the example of US Patent number 5576951 and use the phrase "Multiple micro-programs automatically compose the sales presentations initiated by determinants derived from customer profile information", you'll be in line to sue as many companies as you want for hoards of cash! Happy pillaging!